Titanic, the parody
by Demented Insane Spirit
Summary: A hilarious parody of Titanic, what more is there to say? Pure humor!


DIS: I am most obviously obsessed with one-shots. Since my other Titanic fic didn't quite work out, I thought, what the hell, why not make a parody? This is my first parody, hehehe! 

X

Title: Titanic, the parody 

_Genre: Parody/Humor_

_Rating: M_

_Summary: Parody of Titanic! What more is there to say?_

_Notes/Warnings: Bakura/Anzu; a helluva lot of screw-ups and that is...All?_

_Disclaimer: I do not own YuGiOh, nor do I own Titanic._

X

"Ahhh, ahhh!" The fat lady sung the beginning song, holding up pictures of stick figures. "Ahhh, ahhhhhh!"

BAM!

"(X.X)" And so, the pictures along with the fat lady fell over. "THE PAIN! THE PAIN! A-GO-NY!"

"I shot your hat," Bakura snapped, glowering at the fat lady.

"(o.o) Oh...So you did! Ah, ha, ha, ha!" She cleared her throat. "Ahhh! Ah!"

"Are you done yet?" Some old lady snapped. "I wanna start with my story, ya know!"

"(o.o) Yes, I'm done..."

"GOOD!" The old lady cleared her throat. "Well – "

"You don't come in yet," Bakura told the old lady, smacking her.

"Neither do you, pal!"

"OH SHUT UP! I HAD TO KILL THE FAT LADY!"

"THEN WHY ISN'T SHE DEAD!"

"HOW THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW?" Then, as they started to brawl, the scene quickly changed.

The little boat was hanging suspended in the water and Yami was in it, pounding on the window.

"SOMEONE GET ME OUT OF HERE! I'M DROWNING!"

Smack!

"You're not drowning!"

"My hair is getting wet, though!" Yami whined to Otogi, who's eye twitched as the latter started to cry. "I want my mummy!"

"Don't you mean mommy?"

"No, mummy."

"Mommy, you mean?"

"MUMMY! M – U – M – M – Y! GET IT IN YOUR HEAD!"

"Do you ever shut up?"

SMASH!

"(OO) Wh- what was that?" Yami sputtered, clutching onto Otogi, who glared and threw him on the bottom. "AW! COLD!"

"Well, DUH! It's the Atlantic!"

"I thought it was the Pacific?"

"No, the Atlantic!"

"No, no, it's the Pacific, I'm sure!"

"IT'S THE ATLANTIC, YAMI!"

"Really?" Yami took out a map and held it upside down. "Hmmm..." a dot said 'YOU ARE HERE' and then the other said 'YOU ARE NOT HERE'. "I think we're here..." Yami pointed to the dot 'YOU ARE NOT HERE'. Otogi slapped his forehead, shaking his head.

"Why me?" Otogi asked himself. "Why must I be punished for this?"

"Do you really want me to answer that?" Yami asked curiously, tilting his head to the side.

"No," Otogi glared at him. "Just shut up for a while."

Silence...

SLAM!

"(OO) Th – there's something out there!" Yami gasped, clutching his heart. "Oh dear Ra, I don't want to die again! I'm Pharaoh! This is assassination!"

"Whoa, it's a...shark," Otogi said after awhile.

"Sharks are number ten on the killers list!" Yami howled (A/N: That's true!)

"(-.-) So what's number one?" Otogi asked sarcastically.

"(o.o) A female mosquito." (A/N: Again, true! I watch too much of animal planet...)

"(oO) Where the hell did you learn that?"

"The animal planet, _duh_!" Yami rolled his eyes.

SLAM!

"EEK!" Yami threw himself at Otogi in fear.

"Did you just scream like a girl?"

"Um, yes, why do you ask?"

"You disgust me!" Otogi threw him off him. "Let's just get that retarded safe and go back up."

"Sure, but what about the hole and the shark?"

"Gee, I don't know, Yami. Let's check our schedule and see if we're available for tea and see if the shark is?" Otogi suggested with heavy sarcasm.

"Well, I can't do it today," Yami told him, looking down at his schedule. "And tomorrow I can't. I can do it on Thursday, though."

"Just...shut up." Yami shrugged.

"All right."

X

"Where's the diamond?" Solomon asked, swaying, drunk.

"Um...This is the diamond!" Yami exclaimed, spreading his hands out towards the safe.

(OO)

"REALLY?"

"No, you idiots," Otogi snapped. "This diamond isn't in the safe!"

"But it _is_ the diamond," Yami insisted, pouting.

"Yami," Otogi grabbed him and dragged him off. "That is _not_ the diamond, dammit!"

"Yes it is!" Yami grabbed the picture of the diamond. "See? It fits the description!"

"NO IT DOESN'T, DAMN YOU!"

"Yes it does."

"NO IT DOESN'T! STOP BEING A DUMBASS!"

"But – "

"Hey!" Otogi stared at the screen. "Look." Yami looked at the screen and a perverse grin came onto his face. "Not at _that_," Otogi snapped. "The _diamond_!"

"Hey, the prostitute is wearing it!"

(-.-')

"What?"

"She's a model, you idiot!"

"Really? Looks more slutty, if anything."

"YAMI, SHUT UP ALREADY!"

"(OO) Fine, ya big asshole." Otogi seethed with anger, clenching and unclenching his fists.

X

When the old lady came, Yami grinned.

"Hi! I'm Yami Mutoh!" Yami shook her withered hand. "Boy, you must've been pretty slutty to have done that picture."

(OO)

"Ex_cuse_ me young man?"

"Cos if your body isn't wrinkly and disgusting, I'd be glad to draw you." She glared at him. "What? I was being polite." Her lips pursed. "It's a compliment, lady!"

X

When finally the old hag, um, I mean...old _lady_ was ready to talk, Yami had already started on a jigsaw puzzle.

"Hmm..." he tapped his chin, staring at the pieces, then back at the picture. "Wow, this is damned hard!"

Shooting a glare at Yami, the old hag – I mean, old lady began with her story. Then a flash came and it showed the little...thing...yeah.

CRASH!

"Aw, hell! That was a new one too!" One of the rich people swore as the remainders of his car floated by in the water.

"Papa," one of the poor people said, "there's a bug trying to eat your leg off..."

"(-.-) Yeah, I know sweetheart. Just ignore it. Let's see if they'll let us through."

"Hey!" One of the guarding people shot him a dirty look. "You can't bring pets like _that_ on the boat."

"It's not a pet," the girl piped up. "He's been feeding on my papa since I was born."

"(oO) Someone get him! He's got crabs and lice!" The parasite hissed at the people. "Easy now...JUMP!"

"(OO) Papa, you're leg is – "

"AWW! IT'S BABIES ARE GETTING ME!"

"(OO) (o.o) (-.-) Guess I have to go on the ship alone. La, la, la, la, la!" She skipped past the men, her "doll" of a bug in her hands. The bug grinned at them, showing sharp teeth.

Then, the scene changes to Anzu, who is getting off the...er...car-thingy. (A/N: A buggy, is that what's it's called?)

"This piece of junk looks small!" Kaiba declared.

"(o.o) That was my line..." Anzu informed him.

"See, Mai? We think alike! I should marry you daughter."

"Hell," Mai lit a cigarette, "as long as we get your money, I'm fine with that."

"Somehow I have the feeling she doesn't care..." Anzu told him, blinking rapidly.

"Somehow I have the feeling you're a stupid girl."

"I RESENT YOU, YA KNOW THAT?"

"No," Kaiba frowned at her. "I didn't. But now that you mention it, I don't like you that much either. I just want to get in your bed."

"Gee, that sure is blunt."

"You're a real bitch, you know that?"

"I believe that you've stolen my line again."

"(OO)"

"Anzu, be nice," Mai said, sighing. "We'll kill him after you two marry and have a kid."

(OO)

"I, er...nevermind." Kaiba decided to fall silent, casting the two disturbed looks. Their servant, Jou, glared at Kaiba as he came by. "You know the rooms they need to be in, dog."

"Ya know, Kaiba, I don't like you callin' me names just cos I'm poorer den you!"

"Well, Jou, that's too bad. Because I'm the one that pays you." As Kaiba walked off, Jou grunted, "Arrogant bastard."

X

Bakura tapped a foot on the floor, staring at his hand. _Damn! This is worst luck than that fat lady not dying when I shot her._

"WE WIN!" One of the dudes cried.

"Uh, uh, uh!" Bakura took out a gun that was plastic. Though, they didn't know it. "We win! Shove it in there, Malik."

Shrugging, Malik did as told, taking the tickets and smirking. When they were almost out the door –

Squirt.

"(OO) It's a plastic gun! GET 'EM!"

"DID YOU HAVE TO DO THAT?" Malik demanded as they ran for the Titanic.

"Sure, I love provoking people, it's my job, after all."

"COME BACK HERE, YOU BASTARDS SO I CAN – OOF!"

"Oh, good," Bakura remarked, "a horse trampled him."

"(o.o) Uh, that's a _guy_, not a horse."

"(oO) Er, right then..."

X

Bakura leaned over the side of the ship and smirked at the dolphins, taking out a shotgun.

"Ready?" Malik inquired. "Go!"

BAM!

"I just realized something," Bakura told his companion, blinking.

"What's that?"

"(o.o) We can't eat it."

"Damn!" They both swore in unison.

"Ah, whatever, let's go sit around doing nothing." Malik suggested.

"Sure, why not?"

When Bakura was drawing, a drunk came up to Malik and started to argue.

"No...The Irish are better!" Pegasus said, swaying on his feet.

"(o.o) Hell, man, you're not even Irish!" Malik told him.

"True, but those leprechauns are just so c – UTE!"

(OO)

"Hm?" Bakura looked up and saw Anzu, who looked pissed. He heard Pegasus' snort.

"Women are ever so gross!" Pegasus shivered in disgust. (A/N: I like Pegasus, but he's just so fun to make fun of!)

"(-.-) That one sure as hell isn't." Bakura told him, glowering.

"Looks rich," Malik said thoughtfully, then grinned at Bakura. "And a virgin."

"And you would know that how?"

"I don't, simply assuming."

"I thought you were against assuming things?"

"I am."

"Then why are you doing so?"

"Why shouldn't I?"

"You know what, just shut _up_."

"Fine," Malik huffed angrily, glowering.

X

Anzu ran drunkenly to the side of the ship and snickered, then look behind her. Bakura light a cigarette and his hair caught on fire.

(OO)

"AW, HOLY SHIT! MY FUCKIN' HAIR! AUGH!"

"(oO) Eh?" She looked around, then took her cup of wine and threw it on his face. He blinked. She looked at her glass and pouted. "Aww..." Shrugging, she turned to the side of the boat and starting to make whale calls. "Onnnnghhhh!"

(oO''')

"Um..." Then she jumped on the railing and nearly fell. Bakura scrambled and grabbed her. She let out a shriek, making the guard dudes coming. Seeing Bakura on top of her, they sat down and lit a cigarette.

"All right, start screwin' or we'll have to get her man."

"Uh, I prefer privacy – "

"Okay, Bernie, go get her man. Kaiba, I think so."

"(X.X)"

X

Kaiba lit a cigarette, then lit another one. Talk about a chain smoker...

"So, let me get this straight," Kaiba blew out smoke. "You were calling whales, you almost fell and _he_," he pointed to Bakura, "rescued you?"

"Yeah!" Anzu nodded rapidly, swaying on her feet. "And then those jackasses wanted to see us fuck!"

(OO)

"(-.-) Now, Anzu, you and I both know that your mother wouldn't like that language. _And_ the only one who is going to take your innocence, would be me." He turned to Bakura, glaring. "GOT IT?"

"(-.-) Sure, whatever," Bakura muttered without any interest. Kaiba sighed, then lit another of his cancer-givers.

"Yeah, okay, do you want a reward or not, smartass?"

"All right," Bakura replied, shrugging.

"Come to dinner, then."

"Whatever." When they turned and Jou was about to leave, Bakura said, "Psst!"

"Eh?" Jou turned around in confusion. "What?"

"You got a smoke?"

"No," Bakura sighed, "I have a bunch of dem. Want one?"

"No, I _don't_." He grunted sarcastically. Jou shrugged. "Yes, I do, you moron!"

"Geez, chill out buddy." Jou said, holding out the container. Bakura shrugged, taking four. "Ya gotta just relax with one, ya know?"

"Last time I tried that, my hair caught on fire and wine was shoved in my face."

"I noticed. Ya look like shit."

"I should kill you." Bakura took out his plastic gun and Jou's eyes widened.

Squirt.

"HEY! WHAT DA HELL IS YOUR PROBLEM!"

"Well – "

"YA BASTARD!"

"(OO) Hey, wait a minute – "

Smack!

"(oO) What was _that_?"

"My super attack," at that, Jou turned and walked, head in the air.

Trip.

SMASH!

"Ow...I'm okay!"

"(-.-) Idiot," Bakura muttered to himself.

X

Bakura, who cleaned up pretty good, followed Anzu with her arm curled in his.

"Psst," Anzu nudged him. "See her? Her husband uses her as a model for braziers."

"I can tell why," Bakura tilted his head to the side. "She had nice b – er..."

"(-.-) Yeah, we all know," his partner grunted. "Not that I like it."

"Jealous?"

"Jealous that my breasts can actually fit into a dress and hers barely can? Uh, _no_." Bakura blinked, comparing the two ladies breasts, then decided that Anzu would indeed be the luckier one.

When they sat down, Bakura stared at the different forks and spoons, before staring at Anzu uncertainly.

"(o.o) What are these all _for_?" Anzu leaned over and pointed to each as telling him what they were for.

"Scratch, itch, eat, drink, lick, play, throw, and mirror."

"(oO) Those are most stupidest reasons for forks and spoons I've ever heard of."

"Yeah, well, what are we going to do about it?"

"Do you really want me to answer that?"

"Not really, so shut up."

"(-.-) You are a rude woman."

"And you are gorgeously hotter than my to-be husband," she observed.

"(o.o) I don't know whether to be flattered or what."

"Be flattered."

X

Anzu sighed, walking into the room, with Bakura trailing after her.

"Kaiba bought me a necklace," she told him. "It's really quite exquisite. Would you like to see it?"

"Sure, why the hell not?" She took out the necklace and held it up to the light. "Are you trying to get me to buy it?"

"Nah, I'll have enough money after I marry Kaiba."

"(-.-) Uh...Okay?"

"Right, anyway, I want you to draw me with this on."

"Okay."

"Only this."

_Even better! _"All right."

"And you have no problem with that?"

"No, not really. I draw naked women all the time."

"(-.-) So, what does that make me?"

"The first most beautiful?" Bakura suggested, grinning.

"I guess that works."

Unfortunately, after the drawing, Bakura had to get rid of his boner.

"So, wanna make mad love to me?" Anzu asked suggestively.

"Hell yeah!" Leaving behind his drawing, he left. Jou came in minutes later and slumped on the couch, ironically, in the same position Anzu had been. Spotting the drawing, he gave a puzzled look, then picked it up.

"Whoa...Dis looks like Anzu." Pause. "Damn! It is! She's pretty hot..." Jou blinked. "I better go seduce some girl." He grumbled, hurriedly leaving, forgetting what he was supposed to be doing.

X

"It's cold up here, George," one of the watchman muttered.

"Listen, Henry, we're watchman, we're supposed to be cold!"

"But we could get warm..." Henry gave him a indicative look.

"And what if there's an iceberg?" George demanded, putting his hands on his hips femininely.

"Well, I mean...We'd be warm, wouldn't we?"

"If we got hit, then we might get torn off angle! And trust me, pal, that would hurt!"

"But I'm _cold_." Henry whined.

CRUNCH!

"(o.o) Iceberg." Henry observed.

"See what I told you, Henry? This is all your fault!"

"Aw, come on, George, it ain't that bad."

"The hell if it isn't! We're gonna sink!"

"Really?"

"Yes, you imbecile!"

"Wow, we're gonna die, huh?"

"(-.-) Yes, Henry."

"I've always wanted to know what that feels like..."

"GOD YOU ARE RETARDED!"

X

"(o.o) He really didn't rape me, Kaiba!"

"Yeah, well, I wanted to be your first, dammit!" Kaiba snapped at Anzu.

"(-.-) Oh, you're so thoughtful."

"I know, huh?"

"Here, hun," Mai handed Anzu a glass of wine. "This'll calm your spirits right away!"

"Why do I doubt that?" Anzu sighed, taking the drink anyway.

"Come on," Kaiba took Anzu's hand. "They're doing the boats."

"Isn't it a little early to?" Mai asked, putting her gloves on. "I was hoping to get laid first."

"That's the maids jobs, mother."

"WHAT?" Mai turned to a maid and punched her in the face. "YOU BITCH! I'M SUPPOSED TO BE THE WHORE ON THIS SHIP! SLUT!"

(OO)

"Um...Pretend you don't know her," Kaiba murmured to Anzu, pulling her away towards the boats.

"Women and children! Women and children first!"

Kaiba pulled out a wig and put it on.

"Does it look convincing?" He asked Anzu, who was wide-eyed and staring at him.

"Uh, _no_."

"Damn, I thought as much."

X

Click.

Rollll.

Click.

Rollll.

Click.

Rollll.

Click.

Rollll.

Bakura's eye twitched at the continuing sound. _Must...Not...Snap...All, fuck it all! This is a load of whore shit!_

"WILL YOU KNOCK IT OFF?"

"Hey! Who do you dink you're talking to?" Jou demanded, frowning. "You can't do much, cos you're my prisoner."

"Oh, _please_. Do you really think that you're going to live?"

"Not really, why?"

"(-.-) Point proven."

"Hey, don't be a – "

SMASH!

(OO)

"Well, that shut him up." Malik commented, taking the bottle and letting it drop from his fingers, before searching his pockets, holding up the key. "Ah-ha! So, ready?" He took the handcuffs off him and smirked.

"You realize that the ship is sinking, right?" Bakura said, jumping down, splashing water.

"Yeah, but hey! – Who really gives a damn?"

"I DO, YOU MORON! I was hoping to spend the rest of my life with Anzu – and in her bed, of course."

"(-.-) Love at first sight?"

"Something like that. Let's go!"

"Right."

"Uh, Malik?"

"Yep?"

"(o.o) It looks like we're going to have to swim out of here."

"Yep." Pause. "Oh shit."

X

Bakura and Malik, along with Jou who had woken up, came on deck, wet.

"This place is pure chaos!"

"No kidding," Bakura muttered, searching the crowds, before grabbing Jou, who squeaked. "Where's Kaiba and Anzu?"

"Um, well I dunno where Kaiba is, but Anzu's right dere." Bakura blinked and felt his head getting smacked.

"Geez! Don't even let me be a hero, Bakura! You just _had _to get out, huh?"

"(o.o) Hell, woman, don't be so rough on him." Malik grumbled. "I was the one who saved him, after all."

Slap!

"OW, DAMMIT!" Malik rubbed his cheek, glowering.

"Hey, you brought it on yourself," Anzu told him matter-of-factly, shrugging. Malik muttered something in Arabic, glaring at her all the while. Bakura shook his head.

"Come on, you need to get on a boat."

"Yes, Anzu, you do." They turned to see Kaiba, glaring at her with wine dripping from his hair.

"(OO) Gee, what happened to _you_?" Jou queried curiously.

"_She_," he nodded to Anzu, "threw her wine at me."

"What a waste, too!" Anzu sighed, sulking. Bakura and Malik snickered at Kaiba's appearance.

"Ready to get on the boat?"

"Sure, whatever, but, uh, what about Bakura?" Kaiba smiled at her.

"Oh, don't worry, I have a boat waiting for us."

Casting a cynical look at him, she slowly said, "Okay..." When she climbed into the boat, Bakura cleared his throat.

"There isn't a boat, is there?"

"Oh, there is." Kaiba turned to him, grinning like a maniac. "Just not for you."

"(OO)" _Now that's just fuckin' freaky!_

"Hello!" Pegasus clapped Malik on the back, who just scowled.

"Where the hell have you been?" Pegasus giggled.

"Oh, you know, around!"

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah!

"Well, how are you getting off?" Pegasus batted his eyelashes at him.

"Boat."

"Is that so?" Malik crossed his arms across his chest. "How do you intend on doing that, huh?"

"Duh! Everyone knows I'm a girl," Pegasus gave him a secretive wink.

"(-.-) You're not a girl."

"Shh!" Pegasus put a finger to his own lips. "No one has to know!"

"How much you wanna bet that you're going to get caught?"

"Stay here, I'll be back." When Pegasus returned, he really did look like a girl with a dress, a fur coat, his hair braided and make-up on.

"(o.o) Forget that bet..." Malik grumbled, turning from him, bemused.

_To jump or not to jump..._Anzu thought, staring up at Bakura. _All right, I love the guy, so I'm gonna jump!_ She climbed over the people and lunged at the side of the boat. Bakura's eyes widened, as Kaiba swore.

"Come back here!" Kaiba called after Bakura, then ran after him, cursing an oath.

X

"Bakura!" Anzu jumped and fell down on her face. He winced and bent down.

"Uh, are you okay?"

"I think I have a bloody nose," she mumbled, rubbing her nose tenderly. "Oh, good, I don't." She gave a sigh of relief. Bakura just blinked. Above them, Kaiba seethed with fury, before grabbing the gun out of Jou's coat and shooting.

Squirt.

"(o.o) Huh?" Kaiba stared at the gun in awe. "WHAT THE HELL IS THIS, JOU?"

"Uh, my gun."

"THIS IS A GODDAMN – " Kaiba threw it on the ground. " – TOY!"

"Hey! Dat cost a mighty bit of dollars!" Kaiba glared at him and Bakura and Anzu came up to him.

"Uh, was that supposed to effect us?" Bakura asked, blinking.

"Oh, just leave me alone, damn you."

"I'm already damned, thank you very much." Bakura picked up the toy. "I have one like this." Anzu gave him a disturbed look, but kept her comments to herself.

X

"So, uh, what's our plan?" Anzu said, staring down at the waters.

"Well, I was thinking we could just...Um...Hang on for as long as possible."

"Works for me and then?"

"Uh...Don't get pulled down by the ship?

"Sounds good."

X

Having found a door to sit on, Anzu and Bakura waited for the boats to come. However, when they did come, Bakura was "asleep".

"Bakura?" Shake, shake. "Bakura?" Shake, shake, shake. "Bakura!" Shake...Shake...SHAKE. "Uh, uh..." She sniffled, tears springing to eyes. "I'll never let go, Bakura! I love you, I'm so sorry!...Though that guy on the barrel looks kinda cute." And then she let out. Bakura sprang up, coughing.

"What the hell? That guys isn't cute!"

"You're supposed to be dead!"

"Uh...I am."

"You are _not_! Geez, die already!"

"(-.-) I'll never forgive you."

"Sure you will. You know you love me."

Then when the singing started again, Bakura muttered, "I knew I should've killed that fat lady when I got the chance. Whatever, I'm going to die now."

"All right, see you later, no doubt."

"Yeah, sure, whatever..."

X

"So, uh..." Otogi blinked at old lady Anzu. "You let him die?"

"Hell, I figured I was going to die, it seemed right."

"(X.X) Oh."

"Yep."

"What ever happened to Pegasus and Malik?"

"Oh, Malik got annoyed by Pegasus and killed him. Then he froze in the water and died.." She nodded her head.

"I GOT IT!" Atemu burst in excitement. "See?" He showed the two puzzle pieces he had put together...And that was all he had done during the story.

"(-.-) I don't like your friend," old lady Anzu told Otogi.

"Yeah, he's a real moron."

X

DIS: (claps hands) I'm so proud of it! As you noticed, I only did the parts I deemed important. I know it went a little fast, but I'm glad I finally finished it. I started this thing on May twenty-ninth! That's almost a month before I finished it. Then again, I haven't really had the time. Anyway, please review and I hoped you guys liked it! Ciao!


End file.
